I know that one word has the power to scare the poo out of you. Cancer. Whether that word is aimed at you or at someone you love. This time last year it was aimed someone I loved. This year (last week) it was aimed at me. J is no longer with us; he fought hard for five months. Thankfully it looks like I’ve dodged a bullet and learned some amazing lessons.
I had two moles removed the week after my 48th birthday. Mum had been nagging (thankfully) for a little over a year. I finally listened and made an appointment. The doc said, “What brings you in today?” and I replied, “My mother sent me.” Doc agreed with Mum’s assessment and off they came two days later.
A week later she called with the results – one was fine, the other melanoma. Small, probably got it early enough but more tests (blood work and chest x-ray) are needed to be sure it has not metastasized. Doc said, “Thank your mother” – which I have done (a few times). The “more tests” is what freaked me out!
Then began the rollercoaster ride that is my psyche… There were tears. There was regret. There was anger (at my stubbornness). There was fear. There were friends. There were prayers. There were phone calls. There was coffee sitting outside (in the shade). There were text messages. There was contact. There was love.
A couple of friends have said, “I hate June” because this is the anniversary of the beginning of the end of J. We were fortunate enough to be able to be a part of J’s journey. His wife graciously accepted the love everyone had for him and her and their kids. I have never seen a community rally like that – new friendships were made as parts of their lives intersected.
Our community is currently helping another (younger) family thru their own battle with cancer. This is not something I think anyone is ever prepared for – and I often think, “I hope I can handle such a thing with the grace and dignity that I have witnessed.”
I can tell you there was not much grace and dignity running thru my brain from Noon Friday to about Noon Sunday. It was shear madness, “mayhem and foolishness!” Church was difficult because I know that love does not cure this disease. If it did, J and a whole lot of other people I loved would still be here. I know that I am loved – and that cannot fix this.
On Sunday I spoke to “best friend growing up” (we’ve known each other since second grade – 40+ years), she’s an oncology nurse. She said, “I don’t know why your doc is ordering blood work and chest x-ray, it was so small and early.” I instantly felt better. Having some perspective from M was hugely encouraging. Basically my primary care physician was being wicked over-cautious. Knowing that – well, that’s okay with me. Suddenly I could eat and sleep again. In about 72 hours, I lost 5 lbs and got 6 hours sleep over two nights. With that added perspective, I’m okay with wicked over-cautious.
Blood work happened first thing Monday morning – all good! Chest x-ray happened this morning, doc already called – all good! Tomorrow C takes me to plastic surgeon so he can take a wider margin to be sure they got it all. Appointment with Dermatologist is already scheduled for two weeks from yesterday.
This has, as I said, scared the poo out of me. If Mum points something out and says, you should have that looked at – she’d better get out-of-the-way because I’m not afraid to run a little old lady over getting to the doctor! Sunscreen is now among my best friends.
And as always I am truly humbled by the love that my community shows me. Words cannot express the gratitude and love I have for these people who, over the past 20 years, have taken me into their hearts and homes and lives, they have allowed their children to travel the world with me and treated me like family – – because really, that’s what they have become to me… family. I love my family!
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